Thoughts on Parenting By Yourself or How Not To Get Your Panties In A Wad

I've had a few military wives/moms e-mail me asking if I'd be interested in sharing anything about our experience as we wrap up Brett's BOLC and head to our first duty station at Ft. Carson near Colorado Springs. This is our third and longest duration of time having Brett away with the Army and although he's not been deployed yet (that's going to be rough) and we're still relatively new to being a military family, it's been challenging to be a single-but-married mama.

Below are some practical things that helped me tremendously, as well as some I wish I'd done better (read: get enough sleep). Before I continue, I hope that anyone who has 'been there, done that, didn't break a sweat' doesn't hear me complaining or offering my expertise. I'm merely sharing from my own experience and I think it's safe to say we're all learning as we go. I've come a long way from that first summer two years ago when I could hardly stop crying after three days of parenting a toddler and six month old on my own but I am the first to say I have a lot of room for growth when it comes to doing this gracefully!

Get enough sleep.

I find myself always staying up an hour longer than I should because I so badly crave time for myself - time when I don't have to take care of anyone else or hear sounds I don't want to hear. I always assume my kids will sleep well and I'll squeeze by with a solid six or seven hours but then one kid gets sick or the other has a bad dream. Next thing I know I'm running on fumes and life just feels ten times harder.

None of us needs to be sold on the value of sleep. Being disciplined enough to unplug goes a long way in how I handle things the next day. It can make all the difference in the world.

Find two or three great friends/relatives and ask their permission to call or text or e-mail them on your bad days.

There will be bad days. I struggle with asking for help or sharing my feelings because I don't want to add to anyone else's problems. Sometimes, I don't feel like my worries or hardships are valid enough to share or that I should be taking measures to ensure I don't have bad days. I should get more sleep so I don't freak out about a spill or the noise level during a sibling fight. I should be better at building in the things I need to handle the pressures of being the only one in charge of two kids and a dog.

No matter what, we can't keep it together all of the time. It's important to have emotional support from others on those days when you really need to talk about how much you miss your partner or how hard it is without their help. Having at least one person you know is available to listen can help you cope with the challenges. Also, they can't read your mind so reaching out is really important. Sometimes you may need to tell your friends how they can best be supportive because it's different for everyone.

Recognize that it's hard but then think about ways to make it easier.

It's hard. It's okay to feel like it's hard. We all have different coping techniques but think about ways to make the separation easier on you. Do you need to delegate some responsibilities that are adding stress? Do you need to simplify your schedule? Sometimes you just need to tweak things a bit.

Two things that helped me out immensely were having my neighbors offer to take Sebastian to school every morning along with their girls. It meant I wasn't as frazzled trying to get all three of us dressed and fed before we left. I could just focus on him and take care of the rest of us after he'd gone. Another thing was buying a nice crock pot. I could make meal preparation easier by taking care of it in the morning (after Kindergarten send off) instead of having to entertain two cranky kids while I shuffled pots and pans in the kitchen.

Make a list of those things that help lift your mood.

Sometimes I forget what makes me happy because I'm so sad. When I need a pick me up I think about things I can do to improve my mood based on things that make me feel normal again. This usually includes getting out of the house and sometimes means a trip to the thrift store with Ruby in tow. When I have both kids at home it means finding a park for them to burn some energy if the weather is above 45 degrees. We bundle up good! Having a list of things in front of me just seems to make it easier to actually try one of them.

Also, blasting your favorite music helps. Unless your favorite album is by Bon Iver. I suggest investing in some White Stripes or Mates of State. Save the Bon Iver for later.

Pick a project.

Whether it's taking a photo a day, starting a quilt, organizing your cupboards, or visiting every park in your town, give yourself something fun to achieve while your partner is away. It may vary depending on your dependents (mine are not into organizing cupboards) but choosing a project or a goal is a great distraction and an opportunity to work towards something instead of just viewing this time apart as a pause button on life.

Find a local gym with childcare.

It's the only way I have the motivation to exercise because it doesn't take up my 'free' time. Working out from home during Ruby's nap time or after they're asleep just feels like another chore that eats away at that precious down time even though it's a good way to take care of myself in a different way.

Our local YMCA provides great childcare and it's another chance for my kids to get out of the house and be around other people. This isn't always an option depending on your local gyms, schedule, number of children, finances, etc. Some gyms provide financial aid or scholarships to help offset the cost. Making time to go can be tricky but I'm always glad I did.

Shift gears

I had to stop putting so much pressure on myself to meet the same expectations I had of my role as a wife/mother/friend as when Brett was home. Use your time wisely and give yourself room to not do and be everything to everyone. In the same manner, use your time to tend to things you might not otherwise have as much time for such as relationships with girlfriends or trips to see family if they're close. Being aware of how things are different will help you make those choices to take advantage of this time rather than just surviving it.

This isn't a conclusive list of how we've made it through the last few weeks with Brett away but rather my reflections on what I've learned through the process. I'd love to hear your additions to the list in the comments section below or maybe a specific instance that stands out in your mind during a time when you've had to be without your partner. One of my favorite things about the internet is sharing experiences with each other to gain insight from other people's stories. I think it can help shape us into better mamas, sisters, friends, etc.

So, it's your turn. What has helped get you through your time alone?

-Rachel

p.s. Pardon my blurry photos. These were too good to not use.

Comments

[Toni Brockliss]

My husband is here at night which I am thankful for, but he is gone from 7am until 7pm commuting and working.
We live on the other side of Australia away from family and friends. I also have two little children with autism.
As much as I adore my husband and my beautiful children, the level of loneliness I feel can be very challenging.
I think how you deal with your day is spot on. You are doing amazing Rachel.
I find the way I also cope is taking the time to dress and do my hair. I wear a dress every single day. To me I am making the time to tell myself that I am loved. And if you don't love yourself first then you can't pass it on. A loved mum is a loving mum.
xx

[corey moortgat]

Adorable photos! My 2 y.o. little girl hasn't discovered her big brothers' underwear yet!

My husband travels frequently, sometimes a week at a time, so I have some experience with what you're going through. During those extended times as a 'single parent', I give myself permission to do things the easy way, such as going out for cheap dinners (to sub shops, Panera, sometimes McDonalds,etc.). Also, evening shopping trips to the thrift or dollar stores. For me, the evenings are the hardest- the kids are done with school, everyone's getting on each others' nerves, so a trip out of the house brightens everyone's mood!

[amanda]

Wonderful thoughts, Rachel. We finished IBOLC a little over a year ago and are at our first duty station at Ft Drum, so I am right there with you. Everything you wrote speaks to my experience, especially the part about staying up too late! My 2 bits: first, it's what you make of it, purely and wholly. And second, plan things to look forward to. When I know my man will be gone at JRTC or a big school or whatever, I make a huge posterboard calendar to put on the wall and put something exciting to do on (almost) every. single. day. We don't end up actually doing a lot of it, but it helps to have some kind of fun thing planned for every day, whether it's going to the movies or doing a special art project or making cookies. That way I don't end up staring at the walls, and that way a (really) small part of me actually looks forward to my month (or whatever) alone with the kids.

[Mama Smith]

Great post and all so true! My husband is luckily home but he works crazy hours and is often gone from 6am-10pm or later. This makes that part about staying up late even harder since I want to see him but I'm so run down with my early rising 1 year old that I think I need to set a bedtime for myself. Also preparing food in advance and freezing it so I don't have to stress on a daily basis or spend money we don't have eating out has helped. Lastly starting my little blog and connecting with other people online has cut down on those feelings of isolation and filled my head with new inspiration. Thanks!

[katie]

like a few others have said, I think this is great advice for any mom, whether you're single parenting or just have a spouse that works long hours. we joined a gym recently and even though I'm not much of a "working out" kind of person, I look forward to some time out of the house and free child care.

and oh my, yes, on the music. all my favorites are super depressing (gillian welch is not a favorite w the kids: "mommy! I don't like this! turn it off!"). I'll have to try some mates of state.

thanks for sharing! and good luck on being in the home stretch now. you're almost there!

[ira lee]

these are all great tips!! and it is so very hard to keep calm and patient throughout the days! my main problem is im too tired to initiate these steps!!!! hahaha but if i can MAKE myself get preparred, organize, plan ahead, ect things do flow so much better!

[ruthie]

I love the pictures! And this is all great advice. You especially need those ears of kind friends/family to complain to. It seems instinctual to complain to your hubby, but it will only frustrate him that he can't help in any way. My only addition to your advice would be to let yourself have a good cry sometimes- guilt free.

[Sarah]

Nice job Mama! I am impressed. It's hard enough doing it with two and my husband gets to come home at night. Keep it up!

[Kristy]

My husband has been deployed five times now and my advice is so easy..stay busy :) But with two kids I think you have that down pat already.

[happyhibiscus]

Thank you!!!

[Desiree Fawn]

I'm a single mama, so these are definitely tips that can help. But of course, it's a little different. It's never easy to do it on your own, no matter how long! :)

[Amanda]

I admire you for being so open and honest throughout all of this. I don't have kids (unless you count four furry ones) but my mom became a single mom when I was 17 and my brother was 11, and it was tough on her just with older kids. Taking on two little ones on your own gives you major Momma points!

And those pictures...she's something else isn't she? Ha! ;)

[Kristina]

I just wanted to welcome you to Colorado Springs!! It's gorgeous here, with so much for you and the kids to do. The time will fly right on by - pinky swear. :)

[allie]

VERY good advice and ideas!

[Kris]

We're 5 deployments and 9 moves into our 17 year marriage. One of the biggest pieces of advice I can share is to find out what services are available to you. Go to ACS (Army Community Service) and go to FRG meetings. Not everything is going to be your cup of tea, but you pick and choose what's right for you. There is free hourly care for deployed families, free youth sports registrations, etc. There are usually things like "Down Range Day Out", which give deployed spouses, well, a day out. Sometimes there's a spa day, movies, lunches, etc. Also, take some of the free classes that are offered, like AFTB, etc. Get familiar with the Army. Knowledge really is power. Keeping busy is important, but so is keeping a "normal" for your kids. Develop realistic expectations when it comes to talking to your husband. (i.e., if he hasn't called in 2 days, it doesn't mean anything is wrong!) I'm of the old army days, when there was no internet, we got 2 phone calls in 6 months, and actually wrote letters...on paper! lol If you live for phone calls and being able to Skype, you will find yourself dissapointed a lot. I'm sorry-I could go on and on. Just know that every deployment is different. Everyone will experience it different. You have to just roll with whatever works best for you, your kids and your hubby. :)

[Kristen]

My husband is only gone for 5 days this week for work training and this doesn't happen very often. He claimed this week would be easier for me because I wouldn't have to take care of him just the baby and dog. Ha Ha

[Hannah]

I'm not a wife, or a mom, let alone a military one and yet I feel like this was just as helpful life advice! I love wordy Rachel.

[Kaitlyn]

I've been with my man for almost three years and we've yet to spend any real time apart -- I dread the days when we don't see each other and I can't imagine being separated for months at a time, what I'm trying to say is I admire you a lot, you're doing a great job!

[tonya]

i was a single mom for 14 years. the thing that kept me sane was finding something to do with my boys that we all loved. we started hiking on the weekends and I cannot start to imagine how many miles i put on my first pair of hiking boots. it was a lot. it was always good to get outside and share time together. we also skateboarded together and it was the same for that.

the biggest thing i learned parenting alone for so many years was to learn when our battles were just a battle of wills and when they were valid. i grew up in a family where the parent was always right no questions asked. i learned to be more observant of when i got in a situation where i was acting out because i needed to be right and when the problem was an authentic problem. i finally figured out most of them were ego driven. when i stopped fussing with my children i taught them to not act out by fussing too. they really do model what we give them. if we scream at them they use the same thing to resolve their problems too. they are still learning and they really imitate what they see us doing. if we are calm and understanding they are too. the greatest gift we can give our children is the ability too express their emotions just as we do and admit to them that sometimes we are wrong and don't have a clue what we are doing.

[Amanda M.]

I am in Colorado Springs and I have to agree with Kristina ~ there are so many things for you and the kids to do, time really will fly. Although my family is not military, I do know that there is a huge support system for the military families here in the Springs. Welcome!! :)

[Vivianna]

This is a great post. I am neither married or have kids, but I bet it is really hard.

[Charlie (forages and finds)]

I agree with Hannah, it's good advice that can travel across to many different people in different places! I'm the person who is abroad right now, and it's difficult being away from my boyfriend, family, my passion, cooking (have no oven here) & working at a completely new job, but I think what you have said is really important. The one thing I would add: eating properly. Can make a huge difference to your mood. :) Good luck!

[Ashley]

I loved this list. I just sent off my husband yesterday for two weeks in D.C. for a business trip. The difference between his previous trips and now? Our three month old baby girl.

While he is gone I asked my mother to come and stay with us. She lives out of state. So I'm truly grateful for her assistance. My friends always offer to watch the baby, but I'm going to take them up on it so I can grocery shop, and have a moment or two to breathe.

Thanks for your words.

Ashley

http://theinfinitemadness.blogspot.com/

[tinyparticlesoflight]

First of all, these photos are awesome. ;)
And second, I'm always grateful to be reminded of the ways in which life can be made easier when it's just me and the kids. They're really simple but boy, are they easy to forget!

xo
cortnie

[Anna B.]

Thanks for your post Rachel. It definitely hits close to my heart. While we are not a military family, my husband left for Virginia 5 months ago for employment. The rest of us (we have 4 children & a dog) stayed behind in Arizona to sell our home. It's been a long 5 months and I've learned very clearly what my strengths & weaknesses are as a mother. I know what I can and cannot handle. I think my kids are amazing to have been without their dad for so long and still be as happy as they are. You are blessed to have such a good support system of friends and family. I am sure you will be well taken care of in Colorado. Good luck with the move!

[AshleyG]

You are doing great! I call trainings 'practice' for the real thing, aka deployment. :) We are nearing the end of our 2nd deployment...2 more months! Woohoo! One day at a time!

[Kathy ~ Bliss Beyond Naptime]

When I find out my husband has to go out of town I'm bracing myself emotionally for like a week in advance! Though we're not military family as well, when he's gone he's usually has to leave me alone, on a farm, with cows and chickens, with no car.

My advice is to par down extra stuff so life's as simple as possible. We eat comfort food that can be reheated and cleaned up quickly (like spaghetti, shephard's pie, soup), simplify routines as much as possible (extra-curricular stuff is skipped) and try to keep our rhythm as strong as possible; bedtime, wakeup, outside, mealtimes, etc. Other than that basically keep a pajama party fun vibe as much as I can within those parameters and time usually goes pretty fast and he's back before we noticed he left. Kind of :)

[Becca Letteer]

I know when Adam was in Afghanistan, there were so few things to make things easier. The first of which was literally making a list of things I was thankful for and READING it often. I also had to remind myself that it was okay to feel grief and sadness, and not to punish myself for it. You definitely have to be picky about who you want to spend time with- not everyone is the kind of person who can offer an ear without judging and making harsh comments (I learned that the hard way!) Find friends to lean on, and definitely make projects a priority!

I gave myself rituals when Adam was in Afghanistan-
1. Monday night grocery shopping so I could plan meals for the whole week and not have to make another trip.
2. Library Tuesday, where I stocked up on Sex and the City and LOTS of books.
3. Kiebler Elf cookies dinner days (you know... 3-5 times a week) where I would consume kiebler elf cookies in gratuitous amounts for dinner. No shame.

I also had fun choosing a new outfit each paycheck (whether new or used) and tucking it away for when Adam got home! That way, I had quite a few new outfits to make me feel pretty and confident while we were getting reaquanted!

Thanks for sharing! I hope I've never offended you or put undue pressure on you by telling you how positive you seem and how inspiring that is- I know there were days when I was miserable and I wanted everyone to know it, and I wouldn't have wanted to feel like I had to stay positive because someone was making me their seperation idol! Apologies, and lots of love to you and your beautiful family!

[Jenny Lee]

When my children were babies (20 months apart,) my husband was working and in grad school, so we rarely saw him. I never took that separation very seriously and as a result found myself crying almost every day. Your suggestions are not just helpful, they are necessary. Doing the things you recommend would have helped me immensely. Raising babies alone is extremely difficult and valiant. Planning for it is smart and talking about it with others, even smarter.
By the way... I have stopped crying and we are all still together and happy. We made it through!

[Katharine]

This is such a great post. I can relate in a way. I have three kids, a four year old and two twin boys who are 15 months, and two dogs and I usually have to watch my grandparents dog as well. Its just me and I do have a few bad days out of the month. The things you mentioned do work very well! I am glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel like there are so many better mom's than me because I have a rough time sometimes. I just need me time and friends who have kids. Being new to Springfield I need to find friends here! Thanks for this post!

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