It was such an odd experience having something so life changing happen to me/us and yet not feel like it was time to talk about it until this point.
As I've briefly shared in the past, Brett and I had been prepared to start trying to have a third child right around when Ruby was 18 months old. There were a few months scattered throughout these last two years when I'd be a day late or would feel extremely tired for a few days and I'd take a pregnancy test thinking this was it. Earlier this year I sat on the couch with ice packs on my chest because my ladies were so sore and I just knew something was up. Each time, however, my test would be negative and I'd push that desire back down and try to focus on other things.
The weeks leading up to Brett's deployment we teased that this was our last chance to get pregnant for awhile so we'd better make it count. I think we were going to make it count regardless but I really figured it'd be another month with nothing happening. I had been using an app to track my cycles and knew I was supposed to start the day Brett was flying out so I figured I'd just be a mess of emotions. Right after we dropped him off we drove all day to get to OKC to stay with my family over the 4th of July. My mind was so preoccupied with getting there and celebrating Sebastian's 7th birthday that it wasn't until that afternoon that I noticed I hadn't started my cycle yet.
I had my mom go with me into Walgreen's on the way home from dinner to get a test just so I could go ahead and find out that it was going to be negative again and move on with our evening festivities without any distractions. In between getting home and cutting birthday cake I snuck into the bathroom and peed on that stick.
Immediately I saw a plus sign and I started to cry. It was so surreal that I had to check and recheck that I'd matched the plus sign with a positive pregnancy test. I sat there stunned for a bit and then welled up again and then reminded myself it was still early days and that even a positive pregnancy test was no guarantee I'd have a baby in my arms in eight more months. I hate that I felt that way - that any woman that has lost the hope of a child has to feel that way the next time.
I came out of the bathroom and my mom and I locked eyes and I nodded and I could see her processing while the conversations carried on around us. Then she looked at me again to see how I was feeling about it and we shared a smile. Pregnant.
Pregnant the day after Brett had deployed and not even able to tell him for 36 more hours because he was en route and without the internet. I'd texted him a photo of the positive test with the phrase 'guess what!" and then texted again and again impatiently. He called me on a buddy's phone and hadn't even seen the texts yet when I asked him if he was ready for number three.
I was then able to share it with my dad and brother and friends in Springfield that I spent time with later that weekend as I processed it myself. I have always been an early announcer but this time I felt more cautious and decided I'd let my spotty blogging and infrequent presence on IG and Twitter be chalked up to Brett's deployment. I told friends in town because I knew I needed their support while he was away and that kind of tentative joy still needed to be expressed.
I'm almost ten weeks along now. It's been about six weeks of exhaustion, nausea, and discomfort paired with caring for two kids and not being able to talk openly about how challenging it's been. I've learned some big lessons since I've been in pregnancy hiding, though.
I've taken my issues and emotions to the people in my life that are most able to do something to help, or that I at least have meaningful relationships with, rather than just venting on Twitter. I still promote occasional venting but I think it was an important lesson for me. I've been able to view these discomforts and restrictions on how I can spend my energy as sure signs that my baby is still growing in there even though I can't feel any kicks yet. I've also seen once again that I'm stronger than I think I am - and yet, I still can't/don't need to do this on my own. Being in pregnancy hiding has been hard on my oversharing self but I'm feeling proud that I was able to wait this long. Now, for the details...
Our Army insurance covers the cost of hospital births but we enjoyed our home birth experience with Ruby so much that we're planning on another one as long as I'm still low risk. I have my first midwife appointment this week at a birthing center about ten minutes away and can already tell I'm going to really enjoy working with these women. Brett and I have decided not to find out the gender of this one until it's in our arms in March. I think this will be frustrating to the maker in me but incredibly special to get to have that experience in case this is our last one.
I'm in this weird clothing stage where I am less comfortable in my shorts and pants but not exactly rounded out in an obvious to strangers pregnancy way. I've been too exhausted to exercise but plan on getting back to work when the 2nd trimester energy returns. I've been needing to eat every two hours to keep from feeling really sick but most of the time nothing sounds good. There have been lots of peanut butter crackers, almonds, and grilled cheese sandwiches in my diet. I also get a craving for frozen yogurt every single night. Brett should be thankful he's not here or he'd be making so many late night runs.
Thankfully, he'll be home in November for the second half of this pregnancy and the holidays. I never want to do another first trimester on my own again but I think we're going to make it through this time. Thank you so much for your well wishes and support as we prepare our lives for another member of the family. It has encouraged my heart a great deal! I appreciate you all so much.