Smile And Wave

Radio Silence

Well, hello there! It's been awhile, hasn't it?

To say life has been challenging this month would be fair but a more accurate representation would be that being in my first trimester and having to care for two children while my husband is deployed has been one of the most overwhelming, difficult, frustrating chapters of my life so far. 

In another month I'll be feeling well and have the energy to keep up with housework, come up with creative solutions to space issues in the form of diys, and be able to create special memories with my kids (or at least get out of the house for more than groceries) but right now I'm fighting hard to keep my heart in a place of gratitude and my eyes on the bigger picture. 

It's been easier to just distract myself with Netflix each night when the quiet finally returns to the house rather than open up Typepad and stare blankly b/c all of that creative energy is apparently being channeled to my uterus these days. I've got nothing but hormones and feelings over here and most of the time they aren't exactly inspiring and constructive.

Thankfully, I know this is merely a chapter and this too shall pass. I'm learning things.

I have a continuous loop reel of things I tell myself to get through the frustrating afternoons when Ruby has managed to litter the entire house with toys and blankets to make a messy situation even worse. She's enjoying creative play and messes mean I have a healthy, active child. When Sebastian wakes me before dawn with slammed toilet lids and cabinets I must remind myself how great it is that he's independent enough to take care of himself until the rest of us join the world. And when he wakes me up the same night to crawl into bed because of bad dreams and I can't go back to sleep, I'm thankful he feels safe being close to me.

On the most nauseous days when all I want is for someone to take care of me I realize...I'm doing this. One difficult day at a time. Encouragement from friends both online and in town has been priceless as well as phone conversations with my mom where I just talk and talk because I have so many words saved up. I know this time will make me more sensitive to the needs of other military wives/moms because now I know. Now I know sometimes a friend surprising you with ice cream or direct messaging you on Twitter to ask how you're feeling or planning a trip out to visit can make those hard days easier. 

All of that to say, blogging may be spotty for another week or two. I'm hoping with the end of my first trimester in sight, I'll be back with regularly scheduled programming. I appreciate your presence here and the encouragement and well wishes we've received during this time. We are so excited for this baby despite the timing of things and know that I am well aware things could be worse. It was almost a possibility that Brett would have been leaving in March to a much more dangerous place to do a much more dangerous job for a much longer period of time. And I would've had a newborn and two kids to manage on my own without family nearby. I have a friend who has been in that situation (plus another child) and will be saying goodbye to her husband again in March. PERSPECTIVE.

Hard is hard and none of us can truly do this on our own. And if you've got a friend who is moving through a hard time, chances are she probably likes ice cream or coffee and there's never really a bad time to drop one off on her doorstep. Just pretend you don't see her disaster of a house through the window. 

-Rachel

A Beautiful Mess Photo Idea Book

I am so very proud of my friends. Elsie and Emma have been hard at work over the last two years making their next dream come true and the first in what I predict will be a long line of books is finally available! A Beautiful Mess Photo Idea Book is full of practical and inspiring tips for both beginning and amateur photographers. I got a chance to flip through it the last time I was in Springfield and was so impressed. It's beautiful and a great resource for any creative's library. Also, there's a really sweet picture Elsie took of Brett and I when Ruby was in my belly. 

Click over for more details.

Congratulations, ladies! What a beautiful book!

-Rachel

Image borrowed from ABM.

In Pregnancy Hiding

It was such an odd experience having something so life changing happen to me/us and yet not feel like it was time to talk about it until this point. 

As I've briefly shared in the past, Brett and I had been prepared to start trying to have a third child right around when Ruby was 18 months old. There were a few months scattered throughout these last two years when I'd be a day late or would feel extremely tired for a few days and I'd take a pregnancy test thinking this was it. Earlier this year I sat on the couch with ice packs on my chest because my ladies were so sore and I just knew something was up. Each time, however, my test would be negative and I'd push that desire back down and try to focus on other things. 

The weeks leading up to Brett's deployment we teased that this was our last chance to get pregnant for awhile so we'd better make it count. I think we were going to make it count regardless but I really figured it'd be another month with nothing happening. I had been using an app to track my cycles and knew I was supposed to start the day Brett was flying out so I figured I'd just be a mess of emotions. Right after we dropped him off we drove all day to get to OKC to stay with my family over the 4th of July. My mind was so preoccupied with getting there and celebrating Sebastian's 7th birthday that it wasn't until that afternoon that I noticed I hadn't started my cycle yet. 

I had my mom go with me into Walgreen's on the way home from dinner to get a test just so I could go ahead and find out that it was going to be negative again and move on with our evening festivities without any distractions. In between getting home and cutting birthday cake I snuck into the bathroom and peed on that stick. 

Immediately I saw a plus sign and I started to cry. It was so surreal that I had to check and recheck that I'd matched the plus sign with a positive pregnancy test. I sat there stunned for a bit and then welled up again and then reminded myself it was still early days and that even a positive pregnancy test was no guarantee I'd have a baby in my arms in eight more months. I hate that I felt that way - that any woman that has lost the hope of a child has to feel that way the next time. 

I came out of the bathroom and my mom and I locked eyes and I nodded and I could see her processing while the conversations carried on around us. Then she looked at me again to see how I was feeling about it and we shared a smile. Pregnant. 

Pregnant the day after Brett had deployed and not even able to tell him for 36 more hours because he was en route and without the internet. I'd texted him a photo of the positive test with the phrase 'guess what!" and then texted again and again impatiently. He called me on a buddy's phone and hadn't even seen the texts yet when I asked him if he was ready for number three. 

I was then able to share it with my dad and brother and friends in Springfield that I spent time with later that weekend as I processed it myself. I have always been an early announcer but this time I felt more cautious and decided I'd let my spotty blogging and infrequent presence on IG and Twitter be chalked up to Brett's deployment. I told friends in town because I knew I needed their support while he was away and that kind of tentative joy still needed to be expressed. 

I'm almost ten weeks along now. It's been about six weeks of exhaustion, nausea, and discomfort paired with caring for two kids and not being able to talk openly about how challenging it's been. I've learned some big lessons since I've been in pregnancy hiding, though.

I've taken my issues and emotions to the people in my life that are most able to do something to help, or that I at least have meaningful relationships with, rather than just venting on Twitter. I still promote occasional venting but I think it was an important lesson for me. I've been able to view these discomforts and restrictions on how I can spend my energy as sure signs that my baby is still growing in there even though I can't feel any kicks yet. I've also seen once again that I'm stronger than I think I am - and yet, I still can't/don't need to do this on my own. Being in pregnancy hiding has been hard on my oversharing self but I'm feeling proud that I was able to wait this long. Now, for the details...

Our Army insurance covers the cost of hospital births but we enjoyed our home birth experience with Ruby so much that we're planning on another one as long as I'm still low risk. I have my first midwife appointment this week at a birthing center about ten minutes away and can already tell I'm going to really enjoy working with these women. Brett and I have decided not to find out the gender of this one until it's in our arms in March. I think this will be frustrating to the maker in me but incredibly special to get to have that experience in case this is our last one. 

I'm in this weird clothing stage where I am less comfortable in my shorts and pants but not exactly rounded out in an obvious to strangers pregnancy way. I've been too exhausted to exercise but plan on getting back to work when the 2nd trimester energy returns. I've been needing to eat every two hours to keep from feeling really sick but most of the time nothing sounds good. There have been lots of peanut butter crackers, almonds, and grilled cheese sandwiches in my diet. I also get a craving for frozen yogurt every single night. Brett should be thankful he's not here or he'd be making so many late night runs.

Thankfully, he'll be home in November for the second half of this pregnancy and the holidays. I never want to do another first trimester on my own again but I think we're going to make it through this time. Thank you so much for your well wishes and support as we prepare our lives for another member of the family. It has encouraged my heart a great deal! I appreciate you all so much.

-Rachel

Summer Photobooth Strips

It's no secret that the vintage photo booth at the Penny Arcade in Manitou Springs is one of my favorite things about living in this area. Gone are the days when we'd have to get lucky enough to stumble upon one tucked away in a kitschy restaurant on a road trip. It was out of order all winter and spring due to freezing ink but we've regularly stopped in since it's been up and running again. The one up top was taken on our 11th anniversary date night. It was probably one of the best evenings we've had since becoming parents and I'm so glad we documented it. 

I took the kids a few weeks after Brett deployed and Sebastian begged to wear his sombrero. I explained that he had four takes and stood back to let him do his thing. I think all of his stop motion video practice is showing. I love it. He's our serious kid if you can't tell. Maybe it's a first born thing?

This one totally reflects Ruby's personality at age three and a half. She's usually hamming it up for the camera with her silly faces and sweet little laugh. Brett and I always tease that she's such a middle child.

Well...her time has finally arrived! 

After two years of wishing and hoping and thinking and praying we're so happy to share that baby #3 is on it's way! He or she should make an appearance mid-March. 

We are over the moon! 

-Rachel 

How We're Doing Over Here

It's been almost five weeks since Brett's deployed. There have been some welcome distractions such as that first week with Midwest family and friends and we've been fortunate enough to be able to Skype with him almost every morning but I'd be lying if I said we've got this. I'm starting to see how it's playing out with both kids in ways I didn't notice right away. I'm in a stronger place than I have ever been when he's been away for a month or more with training but I, too, feel his absence every other hour. 

And yet, summer is the best time of year for him to be gone because there are so many more opportunities to get together for play dates and the likelihood of the stomach flu hitting all three of us at once is pretty slim (yes, that's happened). We can be lazy if we want or spontaneously go to the movies without worrying about school the next morning. We can let the laundry go a bit and wear the same shorts three days in a row. We can pass the time with popsicles and swimming pools and let the warm evenings put us to bed. 

At the same time, though, I'm more than ready for school to start and August to mostly slip away as we attend swimming lessons in the morning and inch closer and closer to September. September means we're halfway there and at least there's pumpkin spice lattes and Halloween costume planning to keep our minds busy and our emotions at bay. 

We're developing our struggle muscles, as my mom says. I'm much more of a mother and a wife than I was even three years ago because of the Army. I'm learning from those around me that have done it for far longer and our kids are adapting in necessary ways. I'm also surrendering my expectations for awhile. Life is more challenging right now so it's okay that there are always dishes in the sink and overdue library books. I'm channeling all of my energy into taking care of my family and myself right now and my dear neighbor friend, Rachel Burch, once reminded me that as long as my kids were safe, fed, clothed, and knew that they were loved, that was enough. 

This part is temporary so I'm going to keep my eyes on the big picture when I get too lonely and feel the satisfaction of crossing off each day that brings us closer to being under the same roof again. 

-Rachel