Thoughts on Expectations and Mother's Day

Mother's Day is fast approaching (May 10th in case you needed a reminder) and with it the annual battle against expectations of how Mother's Day should unfold. It's often between my longing for that ideal opportunity to be relieved of all motherly duties so I can spend some time solely focused on myself without any threat of self-imposed guilt, and the reality of running a household and caring for three young kids. 

It's not a unique battle, I'm sure. It's so tempting to host thoughts of handmade cards delivered with breakfast in bed after a full nine hours of sleep, followed by an afternoon lounging by a pool before treating myself to some shopping and a movie all by myself. It's tempting to wish for one day I wasn't needed and every treat I could imagine was lavished upon me as a reward for all of the sacrifices made the rest of the year for working so hard to be a good mama. It would all be well received and we are all (mamas in all forms) so deserving. 

However, most nights I get an interrupted seven hours of sleep and wake to someone having spilled the milk trying to get their own cereal. Brett will make me coffee but then I'll have to heat it back up two hours later once my youngest stops trying to scale our wingback chair and goes back down for a nap. I'll sit down with a magazine only to have two energetic kids race through the house to go outside, slamming the back door and subsequently waking the baby early enough that the rest of our afternoon continues to be pretty loud. I see some understanding nods. 

Every year I tell myself it's just another day of being a mother and that I'll enjoy an indulging day to myself when they're older and less needy. Then I will inevitably sabotage those noble thoughts with feelings of self-pity when someone throws a fit at lunch. Even though it's just another day with young kids, it all feels harder and less fair on those elevated days of honor. 

That's the problem with expectations. They almost always leave us wanting.

Yes, our house is loud because it is full of voices and bodies that I get to call mine. Yes, they forget to flush the toilet 95% of the time but that is their greatest fault. They forget to flush the toilet. I should thank my lucky stars that all I worry about with my kids right now is germy hands. Yes, I have regular dark circles under my eyes but I get to wake up to care for a baby we longed for and didn't think we'd get to enjoy. He, too, will someday forget to flush the toilet 95% of the time but I'll get the privilege of reminding him. 

This Mother's Day I'm refocusing my lens and my heart. I'm going to honor this day myself by working towards being the kind of mom that takes a breath and pauses when I'd rather groan in frustration. I'm going to allow myself to see how beautiful my job is as a caretaker and guide to these three growing humans. I'm going to do my best to stare straight into their eyes and wait for them to notice how loved they are in that moment. 

I'm going to ask for coffee in the morning and enjoy reheating it two hours later because I get to be among the ranks of so many hard working, lovely, worn out, resplendent, and aspiring hearts that tend to those that need them.

I have the privilege of sowing seeds of love, kindness, and courage that will take root and bring beauty. I get to share in their curiosity, creativity, and wide open possibilities. I get to bring more good things into this world through their little lives.

It's hard but it's beautiful. 

This year on Mother's Day I am ditching my internal eye rolls for intentional moments together. I'm hoping we get to spend a little more time getting our hands dirty, beautifying our front porch using this beautiful wooden potting bench c/o Ace Hardware, and making some solid memories. Ruby has laid claim to one special purple plant, named it Violet (it's a Petunia), and made a literal bed for it in her room complete with a cozy towel to rest on but the rest are safe and sound outside. 

No matter how you get to spend this Mother's Day, I hope your heart meets your circumstances with peace and love. And maybe some flowers. 

-Rachel

P.S. Thank you, Ace Hardware for the opportunity to make these memories. 

Comments

[Rachel]

Rachel, it's been a joy to peek in on your life via the blog for so many years. I remember when Sebastian was a baby. I think I found you by way of twopeas > elsie > YOU. Have read you ever since. You're so inspiring and real.

This made me tear up today. It is SORELY needed. And I have to say, my youngest is 7. Gone are the days when they're little and crazy. Now they are old and needy in a different way (boys 14 and 12 and girls 10 and 7). But you're right! God has blessed me with four necks to nuzzle in. Four people to love on and hug me whenever I ask (yes, even the boys). All too soon they'll be gone and the first and hardest part of my mom job will be behind me and it will be SORELY missed.

I, too, plan to refocus this Sunday. Will be thinking of my sister in law who lost her 19 yr old daughter last fall - her Mother's Day will include feelings that I don't have. And wow, how humbling.

Prayers of perseverance to all the moms out there. God bless you. Keep truckin'!

[Laura]

A beautiful reminder to curb our expectations & embrace & treasure our true gifts - our children.

[Hazel]

Our youngest children are roughly the same age and I can definitely relate to what you are saying, I'm constantly reminding myself that in a few years I'll miss these snugly needy days, and be wanting to nurse them to sleep again. Just last night I felt like crying with frustration that Eleanor wouldn't stay asleep so I could get some work done, Mother's Day has been and gone here in the U.K and yes I wanted breakfast in bed and all of that, instead we had a lovely family day complete with temper tantrums from my two year old, dirty nappies and noses that needed wiping (mainly on my dry clean only top!) it was one of the best days we've had as a family. X.

[[email protected]]

Hi Rachel, I to have enjoyed following your blog for a few years now and I really love the opportunity to see inside your life. My children are all grown, 34 boy and 29 boy/girl twins. It went so fast. All you moms enjoy every loud, dirty and chotic moment. You will miss it soon enough. Happy Mother's Day to all.

[gloria king]

Thank you for the reminder. I totally get what your saying. I have 4 kids and life is kinda crazy but awesome. Happy Mothers Day and thanks for the constant inspiration.

[Denise Ross]

So true Rachel. Life is so much better when I drop the expectations and enjoy my crazy life. My kids are older 19,17 and 9 , so my expectations z this year are to enjoy the time with while they are with me. Mother's Day will be changing here on out very quickly with my older two going off into the world to do their own thing. We need to remember our greatest gifts are our children because not everyone gets to have children. I hope your Mother's Day is amazing :)

[Erin Elizabeth]

Beautiful and inspired post. Thank you for reminding what is really important. These days with our littles are fleeting, its important to slow and realize the beauty in it all. Happy Mothers Day!

[Annalise]

Hi Rachel, I'm a fairly new reader, and mom (my son is 15 months old). This post brought me to tears. I lost my mom while I was pregnant, and Mother's Day is an emotional one for me since I get to rejoice in being a mother, and mourn mine own loss at once. I strive to be the kind of mother you speak about in this post, full of patience and quiet understanding. We all have our moments of frustrations, but it's so important to stop and enjoy the small moments that will go by so fast. Thanks for your sweet words and photos. XOXO

[Tereza Opatril]

wow I never even though of having mothers day for myself but now the idea sounds amazing! unfortunately my husband is leaving tomorrow for 2 months so I wont be having any alone time for the next little while! booo, hehe. But I hope you have a great Mothers day :) xo

[Emma]

Ah, Rachel, your post brought me to tears. I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old and I'm one of the ones nodding understandingly! Being a mum (or a dad) is so intense, so exhausting, such an emotional rollercoaster. Also so joyful and awe-inspiring. And despite the fact that we're never fully-rested and often tensely anticipating the next interrupted coffee break or toddler tantrum, we do our best to be the calm predictable loving constants in our children's life.I love what you wrote about staring straight into their eyes and waiting for them to notice how loved they are in that moment - I'm going to do it today! Beautiful photos too, by the way.

[kristin]

Aw I agree with it all, thanks for such a thoughtful post. And yeah, Mother's Day is funny - I guess I want a little "me time" (sleeping in? a couple hours to sew?) but plenty of time with my little ones too. Because I love them.

I remember when Ruby wore that "I'm a Pepper" tank!!!!

[a touch of domesticity / katie sparrow]

Well Rachel, if that isn't one of the most beautiful things you've ever written! And I've been reading since you were on your second pregnancy, so that's a lot of very good posts to be more beautiful than! It was like a long, good, sigh. Your children are very lucky to have you.

And, by the way, your funny passage about the reality of mornings as a mother completely made me think of a very famous children's book (though I'm not sure if it's as famous in the US as the UK): Five Minutes' Peace by Jill Murphy. If you buy no other books this year, but that! (I'd buy it for you and send it to you from the UK if I had your address - that's how much I think it'd speak to you!)

[Jessica]

I feel the same way about Mother's Day, but I am going to try to make the best of it tomorrow as my husband is out of town. My mother is coming and I remind myself that I am lucky to still have her around and able to come visit!

[Heather Gray]

Oh, Rachel, I love this so much. You're so right, these expectations don't do any good. Now with two kids, all I craved was sleeping in and having a day to myself, but that just isn't how it goes. I was frustrated and cranky for a big part of the day because I was just fighting with those expectations, then I gave in to this beautiful life and everything turned around. I had cold coffee too and cold dinner as well, but it's worth it. One day when the kids are older I know I'll miss these needier days, when their out of the house and I just want to snuggle them as babies. I hope you had a wonderful mother's day. Miss you guys. xo